…because if she’d be, she would probably get arrested. You’d think the British government would be kind of busy right now. The war in Syria. The economical disaster that the Brexit will bring. Homeless kids. There are plenty of important issues to deal with. But alas, these things will have to wait because we have another crisis on our hands: People are having sex! They’re watching porn! They’re masturbating!
That is unacceptable of course but worry not, the Brits are on the case! First point on the agenda will be banning teens from sexting as suggested by health secretary Jeremy Hunt. That should be easy, kids are, after all, known for staying the fuck away from everything they’re not allowed to do. Especially during puberty. Good. The world will be a bit safer once we know the wee ones will jerk off to hardcore porn instead of pictures of classmates!
But wait, porn? Why not ban that as well while we’re at it? Because, actually, adults shouldn’t watch that either. Now you can’t clean the whole internet so instead we’ll shame people watching porn by forcing porn sites to verify the age of all visitors with methods that will let us identify them easily. And if that doesn’t work? Back to banning.
Also, let’s make all that super icky stuff illegal. Let’s ban everything that isn’t the missionary position. After all, only criminals are into such perverted acts as spanking or female ejaculation.
But we’ll have to make sure that people won’t secretly circumvent all these sensible measures. So let’s also store Every. Single. Website. any Brit visits for one year. Well, except when they’re politicians of course, they will be exempt from these spying laws since they’re all honourable, decent humans beings.
And don’t even think about using encryption or other security software to get out of this Orwellian nightmare because the UK will, force tech companies to put in a backdoor for them because they just love fucking their subjects in the butt.
Rule, Britannia! (no jerking off!)