Anal sex has become conflated with the male gay or bisexual experience — so much so that the top-vs-bottom question is often the first talking point in chats on queer hookup apps. So much so that it’s often the punchline of homophobic jokes. And so much so that people think you have to be into anal to be a gay or bi man (just as they think you have to be a gay or bi man to be into anal).
Take this question from a curious Redditor: “Can you be in a relationship with a guy and not be into the top and bottom stuff? I’m into guys but the whole top/bottom stuff doesn’t look enjoyable to me.” The overwhelming response from commenters? This dude isn’t alone.
In fact, in a study of men who have sex with men — published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2011 — less than 40 percent of respondents had engaged in anal intercourse during their last sexual event.
“Of all sexual behaviours that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” observed Joseph Rosenberger, lead author of the study. “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time.”
Consider what Alim Kheraj writes for GQ: “Sex isn’t one-size fits all, and that applies to anal. Some people aren’t comfortable with the idea of anal penetration, or have tried it and found that it really isn’t for them. This should be common sense, but it’s worth repeating. Additionally, this shouldn’t be a deal breaker for a partner. To limit oneself to just a single flavor is to shut out a smorgasbord of new experiences.”
Meanwhile other studies found that straight couples have anal sex about just as often as queer ones so the idea that anal sex is somehow “gay” or that being gay means you have to have anal sex is quite frankly nonsense.